Can't Get Over a Toxic Partner? This Weird 5-Minute Writing Trick Worked For Me.

I'm the author of a bestselling book about toxic relationships. I've answered thousands of "why can't I get over my ex" emails. This is a client favorite tool.

I once dated a man so toxic I wrote a whole book about him. I called it Prince Harming Syndrome. (Oprah recommended it.) The book was about the ins and outs (and run-for-your-lifes) of toxic relationships.

Soon after the book came out, my inbox filled up with emails from all kinds of people. All asking the same question.

“Why can’t I get over my ex?”

Here’s one of the emails. It pretty much represents all of them.

Dear Karen,

I have been with a Prince Harming for 4 years. I’m trying to break away now. It should be easy, because he abandons me all the time, and disappears as easy as pie!

I always go looking for him. And I find him – and the cycle begins. Why can’t I get over my ex?

I’m so emotionally entwined with him. I get that I’m in love with who I WANTED him to be – but how can I more deeply see him for who he really is – and get over it? All of my friends see it.

Sincerely,
A dumbass

First things first…

This woman is not a dumbass.

She is, however, someone who’s having trouble with her “Act 3.”

Let me explain…

For a few years I lived in L.A. and wrote sitcoms.

One of the first things you learn in the sitcom business is that each episode needs to have three acts.

Act 1: There’s a problem. She’s a workaholic. He’s a guy who calls his mother every day and not in the cute way.

Act 2: The problem gets WORSE. And the people in the problem are aggressively pretending it isn’t a problem. (This is the act I spent most of my 20’s and 30’s in, btw. )

Act 3: Somebody finally CHANGES.

I pretty much breezed through writing Act 1 and Act 2. Because these were about describing the problem.

Problems are easy to write. You sit at your computer and describe what you and your friends are doing badly that month.

But Act 3 was far tougher to write. Because it was where the character finally had to wake up and change their stupid ways. And this change had to feel earned.

You cannot simply have your character announce, on page 47, that they’ve decided to be different now. The audience won’t believe it. The network won’t approve it.

In fact the network would immediately call a meeting and say “Karen, this isn’t landing, she just decides to leave him? Where’s the moment? Where’s the thing?”

The thing they’re looking for? I call this the CLUNK.

A CLUNK is when an emotional event happens - something that creates a persuasive epiphany that inspires the character to FINALLY change and grow.

I used to struggle to write Act 3’s… because it was tough to invent methods to give my fictional characters their transformational CLUNKS.

And I struggled even more with the Act 3’s in my own real life… when it came to giving myself wake-up CLUNKs.

The problem?

Real life does not come with a writers’ room.

You don’t get a team of people whose entire paid job is to engineer those powerful moments of clarity for you.

This is WHY that woman signed her email as “a dumbass.” She was trapped in an Act 1 and Act 2 problem loop.

Nothing had CLUNKED her on the head yet.

And because she was CLUNKLESS…. she couldn’t find her way to the long-overdue relief of Act 3.

If this is you too (or you know someone who needs a good CLUNK), I’ve got a highly effective trick to give you.

This is the same weird tool I used on myself to get over my Prince Harming. It not only worked on me… it’s been a client favorite tool ever since.

A CLUNK To Help You Finally Get Over Your Ex

Grab a piece of paper. Or find your Notes app.

I want you to write a description of your ex… as if someone’s going to set you up with them on a blind date.

BUT… instead of listing all their awesome qualities… list all their crazy-making qualities.

So you’re basically writing a description of “The Blind Date From Hell.”

The key is to write it up very sarcastically, as if all these terrible traits are something terrific. Like every red flag is a fun little perk for you to enjoy.

Then read it back to yourself. Out loud.

If you’re anything like my clients, you will be CLUNKED.

Here are a few examples of what they’ve written …

1. The Cheating Liar

I’ve got a guy I want you to meet. He’s an amazing liar. One of the best liars I’ve ever met! He’s like the Harvard of Lying. Plus he’s very courageous. He will introduce you to the other women he’s sleeping with, and casually call them friends. But wait… there’s more! He’s incredibly creative. You should hear the imaginative lies he tells as cover stories! So… can I fix you up? What do you say?

2. The Ghoster

Hi! I have THE guy for you. He’s like… there. But also not. He texts you “good morning beautiful” on a Tuesday… then disappears for nine days. No explanation. Then comes back like “hey what’s up,” like the nine days didn’t HAPPEN. He’s very mysterious. So a Saturday fix up okay for you?

3. The Almost-Divorced (For 2 1/2 Years)

Hi! Have I got a woman for you. She is technically married, but emotionally she’s been single for years. Like, in her HEART, she’s divorced. Her husband just disagrees. So although she’s not technically divorced… she is spiritually single. Doesn’t she sound great?

4. The Workaholic Ghost

I have a man for you. Very driven. Dates often get canceled at 6:47pm because of “a thing at work.” Vacations get postponed because “it’s a critical quarter.” You available to meet Saturday? He is. Maybe. If he’s not working too late.

5. The “I Don’t Believe in Labels” Guy

I have a guy for you. He's a real wordsmith. One word he's especially picky about is "girlfriend." Won't use it. Also doesn't want you dating other people, because "what you have is special." Wanna meet?

Now it’s your turn.

Write a “Blind Date From Hell” description of your toxic partner.

Make sure you ONLY list their BEST WORST disturbing toxic qualities.

Write it all up with loads of sarcasm.

Then read it back to yourself. As many times as you need to.

It should not only make you laugh…. it should give you a big CLUNK realization… that your toxic partner is NOT someone you should want to be with!

Get ready to enter Act 3 territory!

And if you feel really brave (and I hope you do) please share your “Blind Date From Hell” description below in the comments. It could be the CLUNK someone has been waiting for.

***
Please hit the ❤️ button.

Think of it as applause, but quieter.
Here’s my ❤️ back to you for doing that!

👇Now I want to hear from you!👇

→ Share your “Blind Date From Hell” description below.

→ Don’t feel like writing your own? Just tell me which “type” your ex was. The Ghoster? The Workaholic? The Almost-Divorced? Or one I didn’t even cover? Drop their species name in the comments.

→What was YOUR Act 3 CLUNK? The moment you finally saw your ex clearly… and walked away?

A few sentences. Drop ‘em in the comments!

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